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Friday, April 29, 2011

Is There a Doctor in the House?

Easter break...there is nothing a teacher looks forward to more than that well-deserved, long-awaited, beautiful Spring Break.  Eleven glorious days to be exact.  I enjoyed days one, two, three, and half of day four.  Then, in the late afternoon, it hit me....the dreaded stomach bug.  I came home from Abby's baseball game feeling awful and stayed that way through Thursday.  You can feel sorry for me if you'd like.  You should; I work so hard, I am busy with all these kids, I entertain you periodically (or try), I'm building a house, the list goes on and on, really.  But, that's not the point of my story.  None of this was funny, obviously.  Well, okay, the kids did have two full days of running the house themselves while I was ailing.  The house looked like a scene from Mr. Mom at one point, Abby has three new cuts and scrapes, Catie was allowed to be the SKINS whenever she wanted, and they have played more Wii than any child should ever be allowed.  That's just a tiny bit funny.

Anyway, so Thursday I was still feeling rotten, and on day 4 of this nightmare.  I decided to go to the Walk-In Clinic nearby.  I still have not taken the annitiative to find a doctor.  I have never NEEDED a doctor!  I'm never sick...until I moved to Lake Charles!  After much waiting in an empty waiting room, in walks in a Physician's Assistant.  I have no problem with PAs, trust them thoroughly, and used a couple at other Drs. offices in the past with complete satisfaction.  However, the abilities here were questionable.  She looked at me, nodding, squinting, rubbing her chin a lot.  None of that looking, rubbing, nodding, or squinting ever produced any type of answer for me.  Well, she orders bloodwork.  Now we have a nurse who comes in with her caddy, looking fearful. {{Oh, Lord, help me!}} 
"How you doin', ma'am.  Ima try to take some blood from ya.  I sho' hope I don't have to stick ya more dan once.  I jus hate to be stickin people so much."

Now, that I was reassured that she had not received her LPN degree from the nearby Dollar General, she proceeded.

Stick One: "Oh, shoo.  Ya vains is so tiny.  How dey so tiny?  Oh, Lord.  I missed.  Ain't nuttin' come out.  Shoo.  Ima try one more time on this bigger vein here."

Stick Two: "Oh, shoo.  It's in there, but it ain't bleedin'!  (pulls syringe out to no blood) Look!  I ain't lyin', there ain't no blood comin out!?"

Me: "Could it be because I may be dehydrated?"

"Oh, yeah.  It may be.  Let me go tell her."

After their discussion, it is decided that I will have IV of fluids for my dehydration...administered by the same nurse and another friend.  {{Lord, watch over me.}}

Italics is the new Nurse.  Regular type is the original poker.

"Hi, Sweetie, you just get on up on that bed, now.  We gonna get you started here......okay..let me clean the area."

"Watch out, her veins is tiny."

"Okay, done that.  Now we gon put this in there, uh-huh, then...let me see..oh, yeah, next we {{{Dear, Jesus, I just want to go home today safe and sound}}."

"Girl, I'm so happy tomorrow is payday, girl!  I'm goin' to Kohl's to do me some shoppin!"  {{Don't distract her while she's working}}

"Oh, shoot.  Can someone hand me the..."

And I wait for around 3 minutes for Nurse 1 to find the thing that is supposed to be obvious to find.  Finally nurse 2 lays the IV on my arm to go get the damn thing herself.

"Alright, now, so I clamp that..get that....clamp that again....let me see, oh yeah, I need to do this.  I'll tape this right here for you baby, and one more for good luck (wink).  Now, let's see if that work..........................................Yep, it work!  Whew!  They workin' me hard in here today.  I just clocked in at 2. Heeheehee.{{Thank you, Jesus, for Your amazing guidance}}
Yep, just been here less than an hour.  I feel like a fat cat.  I just had me some tuna fish and crackers.  Girl, I ate so much I feel like I could just pop!" {{Did I mention this was a stomach virus?  I could just barf!}}

The magic kept on just a happenin and happenin with more wonderful conversations like these and comical medical interludes, like the time when I went to the restroom, and they moved all my stuff into an exam room where I had to curl onto an exam table for the remaining 45 minutes to an hour.

I'm not sure I will be visiting this clinic again, so I am in desperate need of a new GP.  One that knows what to do when a patient presents with Day 4 of a "virus" besides nod, squint, rub, and stare.

~ Lesson:  When a nurse says she "hope she don't have to poke ya more than once"...leave...quickly.


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1 comment:

  1. I know the feeling.....
    I usually tell them, "Use a small needle with a butterfly...if they don't know what that is or they don't think I know what I am talking about....I run!!!